Self-acceptance is a process. Do you find yourself in the category of almost healed, but not quite? Let me start by telling you, you are not alone. So many survivors of child abuse or trauma find themselves stuck in this very frustrating place and they don't understand why. Most of the people that I work with and the survivors that I know were abused for a long time. The longer we suffer in silence, without telling our stories, the harder it becomes to start. The hardest part will always be...

I just got home from a beautiful retreat on trauma and compassion in Nashville, TN. It was very well organized by the hosts and a very diverse group of people attended. We heard from researchers in the field of trauma and compassion and then spent 2 days immersed in learning about and experiencing compassion through meditation, sharing, and journaling. I came away from this experience feeling very moved. I even found myself in tears more than once on the plane ride home as I reflected on the...

Going through the hard part of healing, the messy middle, is demonstrated in what we see in nature as the winter turning to spring. At first, it looks muddy, gray, or lifeless. The frost, the layers of snow, the piles of dead leafs, the smell of decay and dirt is not always pleasant. You may even find yourself wading through the puddles of muddy water, muddy paths on your favorite hike, and slippery river banks as the water is running into the rivers and the river water is all cloudy and...

What does becoming the change you want to see in the world look like? So many victims of child abuse and trauma are stuck because they don't know that things can be different. Their inner world of tension, fear, and distrust has become their outer world. They have been living this way for so long that they don't know that things can shift and they don't know how or where to start. Then one day, they realize they are stuck and they want change but how to get unstuck is unclear, since this is...

The practice of mindfulness, such as meditation, can be a challenge for trauma survivors. Trauma disconnects you from your body in the moment to survive a perceived or real threat. Most survivors do not get the support they need to heal and process the abuse they suffered, which leads to chronic inner tension and toxic negative believes that feed unhealthy behaviors and feelings about themselves. We think we are bad, we feel bad, and believe the abuse was our fault. The thought of...

Focusing on your health is important as you heal after trauma. I had learned a lot about trauma. I understood the impact but having been fortunate with a healthy body, the long term impact had not showed up in my biology except for very painful migraine headaches and depression. But the toxic level of stress I had lived with my whole life had not registered yet. Back then, my self-care mostly consisted of numbing the pain. It just hurt too much to think about it. I was in too much pain and...

Did you know connecting with your body makes it easier to connect with other people? It’s true. Because of that, one of the side effects of TRE is the healing effect it has on your relationships. I’m in Iceland this month, leading two groups of ten people through the TRE process for three weeks. Teaching TRE is one of my favorite things to do. I love the way it helps my students connect with the wisdom of the body. When most people come to a TRE workshop for the first time, they tend to be a...

There are many benefits to learning how to feel your emotions. One is it helps you become a more compassionate, empathetic parent. The weekend before I flew to Iceland, I pulled my luggage out of our storage room and came across the boxes I’m saving for my girls. These boxes contain all of my daughters’ art, birthday decorations, cards, diaries, etc., from the time they were little girls. It was a family weekend, so we all decided to go through these mementoes together. It was a sweet...

As child abuse survivors, we work really hard to do the best we can with our children. We want them to have what we didn’t. So we try to create a healthy, nourishing environment to help our kids grow and thrive in the best way possible. But after working all day, sometimes there isn’t much left of us for our children. That used to bother me a lot. I felt like I wasn’t giving my kids 100% of what they needed from me. Finally, I realized I was trying to give them what “I” felt they needed, not...

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you may remember I wrote a blog post a few weeks ago about the 7 steps most child abuse survivors must take in order to heal. I received a wonderful response to it from several of you. Thanks! If you haven’t had a chance to read it yet, here’s the link: LINK In this blog post, I’d like to discuss the second of these 7 steps: Develop Courage. As you know, we don’t start out on our healing journey feeling courageous. In the beginning, courage is...

This is a question I asked myself for a long time. So many people could diagnose me. So many people could tell me what was wrong with me. But few could actually help me heal. Why? Because my healing wasn’t the task of these other people. It was my job. I had to take all the information I had gathered about recovering from child abuse and trauma and move that knowledge from my head to my heart. In other words, I had to do the tough, messy work of applying it to my own life. Today, I’m going...

Where are you on your healing journey? Are you just getting started? Are you about to take the next step? Are you stuck? Or are you in the messy middle, overwhelmed with grief, feeling like the tears and sadness will never end? If you feel stuck, that’s probably because you have no idea what to do next. That’s how I felt years ago when I realized I didn’t know how to receive my husband’s love. How could I not know something like that? It seemed so simple for everyone else. What was wrong...

Abuse and trauma survivors are incredibly strong people. We know our strength is what helped us survive, and it’s what keeps us going now. Yet we know something is missing. This missing link is courage. We know we’re strong. But we’ve never allowed ourselves to realize that we’re also courageous people. And we always have been. That’s because courage is risky. The only thing we’ve ever wanted is what we never had as abused children: safety. Risk makes you vulnerable. No thanks, right? Hey, I...

If 2017 has been an unusually busy year for you, I can totally relate! But for survivors of abuse, a hectic schedule isn’t something out of the ordinary. Too often it’s the norm. An important milestone on your healing journey will be the realization that you’re ready to step off this hectic hamster wheel. If you’re tired of living in reaction mode, dashing from sunrise to sunset each day, trying to catch up but never achieving that goal, good for you! The desire to end your frantic pace is a...

As you know, April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. On April 6, I was a keynote speaker at a fundraiser for a Children’s Advocacy Center in Oregon. This was the second time I‘d been asked to speak at a fundraiser for a Children’s Advocacy Center, and I was truly honored to help in this way. They expected 400 people, and I talked about my sexually abusive childhood and the evolution of my healing journey. I never appreciated the role of a Children’s Advocacy Center, until I worked as...

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Every year at this time I’m reminded of when I began educating people about how to prevent child sexual abuse. Adults have a hard time talking about child abuse, especially child sexual abuse. That’s because not only is CSA a horrific violation of an innocent child’s trust but it’s also about sex. In our society, sex is not a topic most adults feel comfortable talking about in public. When I decided to educate adults about CSA twelve years ago,...

Healing from child abuse or chronic trauma doesn’t happen step-by-step, as if you were climbing a staircase. The healing process is more like peeling an onion. Child abuse is sustained trauma that happens day after day. It forces you to disconnect from your mind, body, and heart. This helps you survive the abuse, but it also hides your authentic self. Every day for years you disconnected from reality and from your true identity, while enduring the abuse. Every year added a new layer of...

I often mention in my blog posts how we had to disconnect from our body when we were children in order to survive the abuse we endured. This is how our nervous system protected us. It knew the abuse was too much for our tender young mind, spirit, and soul to handle. However, when you grow up, this coping skill turns toxic and works against you. To fix that, you must learn how to reconnect with your body. Why? Because you can’t connect with others in a meaningful way until you connect with...

Child abuse causes PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). In its simplest terms, healing from PTSD is all about finding a healthy way to manage “overwhelm.” Trauma is anything that impairs your ability to cope. Trauma manifests as an instant feeling of overwhelm. What happened to you or what was done to you or what was said to you when you were an abused child overwhelmed you, destroyed your sense of safety, and shifted your natural fight/flight/freeze response into high gear. The problem...

Here’s a good question. Why do we resist the things that are good for us? This happens to everyone, but it’s especially challenging for abuse and trauma survivors. For example, you know how much I love and believe in the healing benefits of TRE. Yet in the beginning, there was a part of me that resisted it. I’m always amazed when this happens. Why would I resist something so healthy, something that makes my body and heart sing? It makes no sense! Actually, resistance is just the body’s...

I’d like to thank all the readers of my new book, Journey to the Heart , who have sent messages and emails. I’m thrilled you’re enjoying it so much, and it has helped you move forward on your healing journey. That was my intent! After reading it, several have asked wonderful questions. Some I have responded to privately. Others I have posted as discussions in my closed Facebook group. But I felt this question should be the subject of a blog post. It’s an important issue for us. What do I...

Child abuse survivors are not selfish people. In fact, we have a toxic habit of putting our needs last and the needs of everyone else first. We do this for two reasons. First, not only were we taught to put the needs of others ahead of our own but we quickly discovered making sure our abusers were happy and cared for was a way for these people to leave us alone. Second, if you had a narcissistic parent, you were constantly punished for being “selfish.” Anytime a child puts his or her basic...

Good parenting isn’t easy! As you can imagine, it was really hard for me in the beginning. To be honest, I was terrified. I had no idea what good parenting looked like. I just knew I wanted my kids to have a healthier, happier, safer childhood than mine. But I didn’t know how to make that happen. So I did the best I could. I wasn’t abusive to them, but I struggled in the emotional areas. I didn’t know how important it was to be present for them. Giving a child your total and complete...

I had a tremendous amount of response from many of you to my blog post last week about TRE (tension, stress & trauma release exercise) . So I’ve decided to continue with that theme this week! There are lots of benefits to TRE, but the main reason I love it is because it helped me realize the complex relationship between my muscles, brain, and nervous system. These three kept me safe as a child, and they have continued to protect me during the dark, messy parts of my healing journey. TRE...

We all know your mind will eventually forget some of the details of the abuse or trauma you’ve survived. But your body never forgets. Like I’ve mentioned in other blog posts, trapped trauma must be released. It’s nothing more than emotional pain. If allowed to fester in the body for weeks, years, or decades it will eventually manifest as physical pain in the form of illness, allergies, chronic pain, etc. TRE (tension & trauma release exercises) created a major shift in my healing from...

There are two kinds of trauma. Both are devastating to your mind, body, and soul. The trauma everyone is familiar with is “hard trauma.” That would be a natural disaster, war, or personal injury, like a car accident. This type of trauma is almost always physical. “Soft trauma” is prolonged physiological or emotional abuse. All forms of abuse fall into this category (child abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, narcissistic relationships, domestic abuse, etc.). The physical evidence of soft...

“The Journey to the Heart” Summit was created for the survivors of emotional abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, child sexual abuse, or trauma of any kind.  It was also designed to help the spouses, families, and friends of trauma survivors. Starting on January 15th,  you’ll have access to interviews with more than twenty therapists, coaches, teachers, trauma specialists, authors, trainers, and healers.  Each one will teach you how to overcome abuse or...

To survive growing up in a sexually abusive home, you had to deny what you witnessed, felt, and experienced.  You had to numb and repress it.  Like every child, you thought you could trust your family, the people who were supposed to love...

These blog posts are published weekly on educate4change.com     For this third week of National Child Abus e Prevention month, I’d like to talk about self-denial.  Part of surviving child sexual abuse is learning to deny the...